bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
