Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
