Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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