Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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