the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
