More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
