Where is the hickey?
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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