The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
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I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
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Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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