I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
MIDGETS
????
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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