Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Don't tell me you're on acid again
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
