I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
