the new term for farting is butt boxing.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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