I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
