: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
