The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm too high and old for this...
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
