what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
