walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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