i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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