My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
