u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
