I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
