I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
