I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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