I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
