I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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