we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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