I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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