Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
