i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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