Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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