Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
