Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
