Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
