i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
this is an emotional support booty call
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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