he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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