my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
