I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
