i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
