apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
