"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
