can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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