i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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