At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
