just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
