I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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