false alarm. still invincible.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
