Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
