Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
