i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
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I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
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Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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