about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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