I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
