what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
