I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
