Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Randomize
