Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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