yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
