I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
