Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
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Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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