Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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