so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
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Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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